Think about a time when you shared your truth and felt truly heard, seen, understood. 

How did that feel? Did you feel thankful? Fulfilled? Satisfied? Safe?

Now, think about a time when you were sharing a story from your life and were given unsolicited advice. 

What was that like for you? Were you annoyed? Feel exasperated? Numb? Shocked?

It can be moving and heart-touching to have your words reflected back to you when someone gets what you're feeling or needing.

Here's a time I felt heard and respected. I was gearing up to make a big decision. I was shopping for a new-to-me car in 2006. I had taken the time to get clear on what I wanted ahead of time and shared this with the salespeople at numerous car dealerships.

My New Car Wish List

Before I had the experience of being heard... this happened. 

One salesman showed me a Honda SUV. It was a foreign car. Check. YES!

However, the car had poor fuel economy (20 mpg) and a hefty price tag. Nope!

I learned another must-have from this experience. My new ride must be smoke-free. One car he showed me smelled like a chain smoker had lived in it for a couple of years. 

This sales guy also called me "honey" and was wearing plaid golf pants. He was the archetype for an icky salesman. Even if he had the exact car I wanted, I didn't have want to buy from him. As he showed me cars, I felt compressed to fit in the boxes he wanted me to squeeze into. It was annoying, frustrating, and I felt disgusted.

The Car Salesman That Listened

Then I met Greg at a Toyota dealership. He listened.

He showed me all the used cars on the lot that might fit my wish list with a heads-up that they may not be quite what I was looking for. He was right. None of the used cars available seemed quite right.

It was then that Greg did something amazing. He reflected back to me what I had asked for again. "So you're looking for a used, foreign car that will last you for years and years, with cargo space, good fuel economy, and it needs to be smoke-free?" 

"YES!"

"I've shown you what I have in used cars."  

Long Pause.

"What if I could show you a new car that is priced economically and fits your criteria? Would you be interested in learning more?"

Greg had my attention! I bought a brand new car from him and I still love my car all these years later. 

It impressed me that Greg repeated back to me exactly what was on my must-have list for a car. 

Last week, I carried two trees home from the garden center in it. I've hauled furniture and moved all my belongings numerous times in my trusty car. It's Fifteen years old and going strong. 

He also offered me a choice when suggesting a new idea. This felt satisfying, and supportive. This provided me space to make up my mind without pressure. 

Empathetic Listening Nurtures Healing & Connection

Active listening helps in all kinds of settings. Did you know that wait staff at restaurants that repeat out loud what's ordered as they write it down can earn more in tips?

In your relationships, when you reflect back what you hear someone saying and, when appropriate, take a guess at what they may be feeling or needing, it can create more connection and help to feel seen, heard, known, and nurtures self-expression.

Fast forward a few years, and I joined a Facebook group run by a mental health professional that requested that everyone get clear on why they were posting in her group before they posted. She introduced two hashtag options to be included in posts, one for when you wanted advice the other for when you wanted to be heard. There's a big difference between an experience where you experience the empathy of active listening and when someone tells you what they think you should do.

You're Invited to Join A FB Group For Women Practicing Listening

I adopted similar hashtags for the Facebook group I founded, #YES Your Empath Sisterhood. 

#ReflectiveListeningWanted

#SeekingAdvicePlease 

There are times when you've done all the common-sense things, explored multiple approaches and ideas, and simply need to be heard rather than told how to fix something. Unsolicited advice can feel abusive, patronizing or insulting.

It's healing to be heard. When you feel you've been empathized with, seen, or understood it can open your heart to give and receive more love.

When you need advice, sound advice can be a relief and much appreciated. People hire professionals all the time to get guidance. You've likely hired a mechanic, contractor, doctor, therapist, or financial planner to get great pointers at one point or another.

Advice that allows you to see your options without coercion or judgment can help you to make a decision that can be precisely what you need when you're seeking it out.

Consider reviewing these lists if you're interested in viewing more on Needs or Values and Fulfilled and Unfulfilled Feelings based on the work by Marshall Rosenberg in "Non-Violent Communication."

If you'd like more empathetic listening and allowing in your life, without judgment, or practice in offering these to others... AND you're a female empath or highly sensitive person (HSP), you're invited to join the #YES Facebook Group, where you're asked to get clear on why you're posting before you post and include your choice of two hashtags.

#ReflectiveListeningWanted OR #SeekingAdvicePlease

I'd love to hear about a time you experienced active or reflective listening that helped you to heal. You're invited to share your story in the comments below.